


Ghost

by Augustus



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-10
Updated: 2005-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-16 08:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8094901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: Alex returns.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for "Ghost" (6.16) and Alex's departure episode. I THINK that was "Loss" (5.4).

Goodbye doesn't get any easier when it's heard a second time. It's one of those moments when Olivia hates the job with every last drop of her resolve. She hates the marshal too, for carrying the word, and hates her colleagues for standing there, numb with disappointment. She wants someone else to be the one to shout that it isn't fair, that they've won the case, that Alex should be safe now, that she can come home for good. And, although Olivia knows as well as any of them that things don't work like that, there's a part of her that had hoped this time would be different. She should have known better. She _does_ know better. It doesn't help.

Elliot's hand upon the small of her back speaks a thousand words of knowing silence.

* * *

When Alex first left, ushered away by the marshals to God knows where, Olivia told herself that it wasn't really goodbye. Eventually, they'd catch the creep who shot her; eventually they'd run the drug cartels right off the streets; eventually they'd make the city safe, if not for everyone, then at least for Alex. Too many years in the job and Olivia's still an optimist at times. Special Victims was meant to crush that out of her. She supposes that one day it finally will.

Olivia isn't big on clichés, but she has to admit that there's something in the adage that you don't know what you have until it's gone. She remembers how they'd hated Alex on principle at first, annoyed at what they'd seen as just another attempt from the DA's office at telling them how to do their job. Alex is hard to like, but easy to respect. Her barbs and barriers deflect gestures of friendship, but there can never be any denial that she can hold her own in court. Long before Olivia came to call Alex her friend she had learnt to trust her legal mind. Casey is good, but no true replacement. She's a different kind of ballsy. She smiles too much.

Olivia supposes it isn't fair to judge Casey on the ways of her predecessor. Sometimes she can see a kind of admonishment in Casey's eyes, but she finds it hard to reshape the habit. Olivia has barriers too, these days. She's almost lost Elliot a hundred times and she's nearly starting to believe in the charade of Alex's death. She can't do it again, not now, not with someone new. She dates, but she doesn't fall in love. She chats with Elliot's kids, but pushes away the urge to have her own. She downs coffee after coffee with Casey, but she doesn't let her in. Olivia has seen a lot—too much, some might say—but even she has a breaking point. She almost reached it once. She doesn't intend to come close again.

Months pass, and despite Olivia's initial optimism, Alex doesn't return. No matter how many perverts they put behind bars, there are always dozens more just waiting to take their place. It's heartbreaking if you think too much about it, but Olivia learnt long ago to make sure that she doesn't. After a while, she stops hoping. There's no defining moment, no sudden realisation that her friend is lost. One morning she wakes up and doesn't wonder how Alex is doing. One week passes without Olivia wanting to glare at Casey for nothing more than being the wrong ADA. She moves on, as people do, and that is the end of it. Except, of course, it isn't. 

Alex looks almost unchanged. Her hair is longer, but is still sits perfectly about her shoulders, the same well-groomed blonde of before. Olivia had forgotten Alex's smile, but when she is reminded of it, it's beautiful and when it's directed at her, it's as though no time at all has been lost. An orphaned kid with a gunshot wound, a familiar bullet, and somehow Alex is back and it seems that Olivia hadn't been an optimistic fool after all. 

Olivia finds herself torn between her usual lust for a conviction and an equally potent desire to just toss it all in and spend her time with Alex instead, catching up and comparing lives. She ignores the latter urge, throwing herself completely into her work so that there isn't much time left to think. It's hard, though, harder than she could have imagined. Seeing Alex again is like reopening a wound. Olivia misses her friend more when she's a few streets away than when she was in a whole other state. Her nearness is like a form of torture when Olivia's stuck at her desk, surrounded by files.

Late at night, she relieves Elliot from his watch, the New York skyline a glittering backdrop to Alex's dimly lit room. At first, it's hard to know what to say. Once they would have talked shop and compared boyfriend horror stories, but Alex is Emily now and Olivia's grasp of accounting doesn't stretch beyond knowing to file her receipts. In the end, though, talking doesn't matter. They reacquaint themselves through slow kisses, fingers laced together as though it's really nothing new. Olivia supposes she should have seen it coming, but the first touch of Alex's lips makes her shiver all the same. This is something she hasn't predicted, hasn't even wished for, but she can't deny the comfort and security that she finds in Alex's arms.

They don't discuss the case. Olivia learns how to touch Alex so that her breath catches within her throat and soft moans curl out from between her lips. She discovers the sensation of a woman's body pressed against her own, Alex's curves so different from the harder, harsher bodies of the men in Olivia's past. She has always found Alex beautiful, but this is about something greater than that, about friendship and reunions and the feel of a ghost's arms around her waist. 

When they finally sleep, they lie curled together on the rumpled hotel bed. Even in slumber, Olivia refuses to let Alex go. Not now, not ever. Once was bad enough.

* * *

Olivia should have known that happy endings never stick. She sees it every day, on the streets and in her colleagues' tangled lives. And now Alex is gone again, with only a relayed goodbye, and Olivia wants to kick herself for hoping that it could be any other way. She wonders whether Alex is Emily again, or another, unfamiliar name. Will she share her bed with the accountant tonight, or will she be lying awake in an alien home, starting again, and again and again, until months turn into years and New York is a fading memory? How long will it be until Olivia is just a name from a past that Alex can no longer claim?

Olivia cries in Elliot's arms when the cake and champagne have been cleared away. He strokes her hair, more like a father than her closest friend, and tells Olivia that there will be other times and other chances to make things right. Olivia nods and says she'll be okay, and eventually she will be. She'll move on again, and she'll forget Alex's smile and one day she'll find it hard to remember why the loss had hurt so much. Tonight, however, she lies awake until the sun throws light across the floor, and the ghost of Alexandra Cabot rests, cold and heavy, between the crumpled sheets of Olivia's bed.


End file.
